If you know me, or follow my social media, you will know that I am a classic, “yo-yo dieter”. Except, I’m not a dieter. I am a , “yo-yo at putting myself first”.
Completely and utterly selfish
It has been noted that when I am single, I am always thinner. I prefer that to be seen that when I am on my own, it is so much easier to put myself first. I find more time to work out. I eat what I want to eat, without having to compromise. I know what not to keep in my pantry so I can avoid overindulging. My portions are smaller. My obsession with perfection is satiated because I can lead a precise lifestyle without distraction.
When I have maintained relationships in the past, I easily lose my drive, my selfishness. Overindulging in food often wasn’t because I loved food too much, but because I used it as a mask to hide how I truly felt. It was my way of stuffing my mouth, to shut up and not admit what was bubbling deep inside: unhappiness.
I take sole responsibility for losing myself in relationships. I thrive on being so strict and struggle with having to compromise my lifestyle. Plus, I wasn’t honest with myself- a total disservice to who I was.
But this also led to who I am….
And then baby makes 3….extra chins
While pregnant, from the first trimester, I would wake up at 3am and absolutely crave vegemite on buttery toast. Initially, because I didn’t want to gain much weight, I would try stave off the hunger/craving to test if it was psychosomatic. It resulted in me being head down in the toilet bowl, so I had to fulfill my need.
Next came the heartburn. One time, I had heartburn that lasted 3 solid days. The burning that soared from my stomach to my throat was persistent. Mylanta didn’t work, nor did milk and I was getting frustrated. By the end of the 3rd day, I stormed into my apartment, dove into my freezer and was pretty sure I ate half a tub of vanilla ice cream. Heartburn gone! Chin gained! Baby born with a full head of hair!
So now what?
I’m in a phase where I am nearly one year from since having Butterball and I am grasping at straws, struggling to find consistency with time and my own space. I am slowly losing my post baby weight, but am not where I want to be or how I want to look. The concept of persistence is out the window and my eating habits are not that great because my tiredness has been dictating my lifestyle. No doubt, I will reach a healthy weight again, it’s just that the struggle is real.